Saturday, January 4, 2014

http://purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2014/01/02/the-unsayable/
At some point, I would like to write something coherent about the themes of my thoughts over the last few months. Today is not that day, but I did want to write a few notes to remind myself, when I do get around to it. I've been vaguely unwell for several weeks, firstly with brain fog, and then a resurgence of back pain which was almost completely debilitating, and then just a cold, but all together they rendered me incapable of doing very much at all for weeks. I feel useless and again marvel at how people can work a 9-5 job week in, week out. I've never had the strength for that, and I don't think I ever will - it's nearly 1pm and I am still fighting off apathy and malaise and trying to gather the resilience to get on with anything useful, and this is pretty much every day for me, and it's not because I'm lazy.

Somebody wonderful pointed me towards this article, which articulates a lot of what I've been musing on: http://www.vice.com/read/filthy-lucre

I've had to stop claiming benefits for now, the woman at the jobcentre was a bully, and other elements of my life have meant that I couldn't jump through their hoops anymore, nor was I willing to go in and try to talk to the so-called disability advisor again.

That is okay, because my partner has some money. At least that is what he says, and what I am trying to comprehend and assimilate.

I want to finally stop trying to be the responsible grown-up that doesn't really exist and be the person I've always looked at and sighed and thought, I wish I was like that. Living outside the template, making art. Not everybody is lucky enough to have the means and opportunity to do that, but I do, as difficult as it seems and as hard it is to believe that I'm not going to starve to death, or to ignore what the daily mail says about me and mine. I'm 27, I've never been able to get up early every morning and go into work and do what's required of me without just grinding down into a bloody mess, and I'm probably not going to either. It's time to stop doing everything I want to do by halves.

But yes, not a lot of focus today, hopefully back at some point with improved health. But that might never happen either, not everyone can win.

xx