So I've been to a few CBT sessions now [finally] - mostly talking things through, and having realizations about strategies for staying healthy (staying hydrated, sleep, rest, morning routine, breathing, leisure). For the last week or so I've tried to implement more of a routine in the morning, and I take time out to plan my day or to review even when I feel that I don't have time (especially when I feel I don't have time), and try to notice when I'm in 'the grey zone' of not working but not resting either, and doing fun things as well as working and worrying, and not beating myself up as much. I've got a lot done so far in 2014, 3-5 hours of work a day, and I feel pretty positive. I can sometimes scale back or halt an anxiety attack now with breathing and patience.
I have a session next week and then I'll probably be discharged, as the counsellor thinks I've made quite a lot of progress and have a lot of insight, and I'm going away anyway - but we'll review next week if I'm not feeling so in control.
She says my main 'drivers' are perfectionism and people-pleasing, so I'm going to try to remember that when I feel terribly guilty about saying 'no' to people, especially my mum.
I started a blog yesterday - just something silly for reviewing stuff I see or do - and it felt like the first glimpse of an identity that isn't anything to do with depression or anxiety, someone who has worth and an identity beyond what I've felt and experienced, someone funny and thoughtful and not defined by my emotional damage.
I'll keep taking the meds, though...
