4 weeks before, I had a glowing review and a payrise.
And then things just got worse and worse, they took my keys off me, they started monitoring me very closely, which triggered an anxiety attack where I had difficulty breathing and I left work at lunchtime and went home, saying I was having an anxiety attack. They sent me a text message late at night saying they had sent me an email and I must read it - it was a letter saying I was suspended and must come in for a disciplinary meeting that Friday. (I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday).
Friday, 27 July 2012 at 13:29
Am waiting for the 'verdict' now. Feel extremely sick. Went with my mum and she prompted me a bit.
Lots of talk about my recent conduct, my capacity to work, my inability to do what I'm asked, etc.
Mum thought they were really kind and accommodating. I feel differently, but I get the impression that is because I am insane. We seemed to have different interpretations of events and situations.
My mum asked if they would consider giving me some unpaid leave until I feel I am able to go back. They said I am obviously in a bad place with my illness. They asked if I was still taking my medication. They said they cannot make any other accommodations for me because it would be unfair to other staff. They asked if I felt I would get better and my mum kept prompting me to say what I could do to improve the way I work. I just felt sick and humiliated. They said they are concerned that I can't take criticism and that is part of the job of being a graphic designer.
They are thinking about things now and will get in touch with my mum.
My mum and her partner suggested getting in touch with a housing office as I am losing my flat soon and that I would be put in a hostel... I really don't want to do that. They also said I am welcome to stay with them though.
They kept asking about what 'triggered' my recent downfall. They thought all sorts of things, like the fact they were taking on new staff. I don't feel that is it. I was devastated by a relationship earlier in the year and a few weeks ago I got drunk and had an unpleasant encounter and those haven't helped. I resent the implication that I felt bitter somehow about them taking on new staff. I had actually looked forward to it, thinking that things would be a lot better. And I didn't really want to say but this is a cycle for me that happens over and over. This time I didn't walk out and stayed and faced it, to some extent. I am still running away a bit, but it's a bti different this time.
But other people think they can see the causes of my behavior a lot better than me and they are probably right.
I feel humiliated, ashamed and still terrified, and I am scared that people will stop loving me because I am a coward and have been having horribly, angry thoughts about all sorts of people, including my employers.
I tried to follow up a referral to the NHS mental health team earlier in the week but they seemed to have lost my details and said they would put me in the system and call me back, which they didn't, so I called again today and they said exactly the same thing again.
I would really like to try for support allowance/incapacity at least for a while. I don't think many people in my life would approve and would think I am a coward and can do better - provided of course that I would actually be able to get any sort of support like that.
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