Work, work, work

I lost my job last year - I was called into a disciplinary and dismissed after becoming more and more anxious and depressed, and feeling victimised, isolated, exhausted and unable to concentrate.

I have always been affected at work by depression, anxiety and avoidant tendencies - I think I hoped that if I went to university and got my design degree, and was then doing something that I really cared about, that I would be happier and be able to deal with things better. The problems remained, however - interpersonal, energy, mood, concentration, memory. And whilst I was no longer bored, the pressure, short deadlines and long hours made me very ill.

I have tried being self employed, but the lack of external pressure or structure has been a hotbed for depression, and I am absolutely useless at charging an appropriate amount for my services, am a terrible procrastinator and am plagued with terror about responsibility and finances. I get lonely and stuck with my own twisted thoughts.  I don't think being fully self employed is for me. I also don't think I could work full time - maybe not ever - as I get so exhausted in the afternoons, I feel even lonelier, I feel naked and exposed like I have no skin, and under pressure I can panic and completely underperform. I am claiming benefits right now - and was running my business alongside as 'permitted work', but it is taking a break right now as I can't bear to look at it - and I am doing a little bit of design here and there, but still vastly undercharging. I know I am undercharging, but I can't seem to stop doing it.

I have been experiencing a lot of guilt and confusion about claiming benefits - I also play a sport as a hobby, and I make it to practice 3 times a week and play competitive games, although the anxiety is sometimes pretty crippling. If I can do that, I can work, right? That's the voice I always hear, the voice of the ATOS assessors, and the voice of the general public, and maybe my own voice. Another part of me says - it is only a few hours a week, nothing like a full-time job. It is completely voluntary, and if i don't want to go, I don't go - so it is very different to work. We are constantly told that exercise is good for mental health, so it has that benefit, and it gives me structure and social connection. I still feel very guilty and strange though.

I have started taking a new medication, and am feeling better than I was, although still very exhausted, and my mood feels fragile. I am not working - only voluntary and a small amount of nominal freelance work - and am spending time on Facebook, writing this blog, playing my sport, and contributing to my league doing a bit of voluntary work (a very small amount!). I also meditate and have started practising yoga at home using a DVD. I try to meditate often, I go for walks, and I am writing letters and seeing the doctor, trying to get real help. I am functioning. So I could get a job, right?
I am functioning in a bubble though, tiptoeing round the eggshells. I know with certainty that going back to full time work would trigger another major depressive episode, and just now, almost certainly part time work, too. So - if I could in theory work, but it would almost certainly trigger a major depressive episode or an anxious breakdown and the absolute need to run away and protect myself from the situation - does that make me unfit for work? Or does it not quite meet the criteria?

A friend of mine who has suffered with M.E. / C.F.S (an illness I am familiar with, as my partner is plagued with it) and recently had an injury, has had some help from a trust which helps people with disabilities or mental health problems to get back into work. I have no idea if I count as having a 'disability' or not, but being dismissed from work and having them directly cite my mental health difficulties [anxiety attack] as the cause has maybe helped me along that path. I have always gone into a position intending that this time, this time I would be able to cope with it - but maybe I can get more help.

I have always felt dismissed by medical professionals, or have not fully believed in my difficulties, even whilst trying to convince everybody else of them. I feel like there's nothing really wrong with me, all whilst standing on my soapbox and declaring all my profound difficulties. At work, I have always just tried to carry on (but not really done a very good job, and ended up running away). I almost always end up disclosing the fact that I have 'anxiety' to my employers, as my concentration and mood and energy declines and I start to make more and more mistakes and cry in the toilets more and more - but it has always been difficult to get across exactly what this entails, and usually ends in confusion, and in the situation worsening and my leaving. I have never known of anything that I might reasonably be able to ask an employer for to make my life easier. Afternoon naps? Flexible hours? Being able to leave whenever I want because I am tired or sad? I could not reveal my difficulties for fear of being declared incompetent and fired (which did finally happen, anyway).

But I am starting to feel more hopeful, that if I fight for the right support, and believe that I deserve help and support, that maybe somebody or some organisation can help me to thrash out a way of presenting my difficulties to an employer, and a way of dealing with my depression and exhaustion. A larger organisation (e.g., larger than a 2-3 person family business) might have the right HR and standards in place to allow me some leeway and support. A supportive employer who could see my talent and work ethic but work around my low mood, anxiety and energy levels would be ideal. A part time job, maybe half days or 3 days a week, with maybe a bit of freelance work - I might be able to work with that, taking things delicately and carefully. I have always dreamed of having a sort of mentor relationship, working under somebody I respect creatively - but it is probably a very lucky person who finds such a relationship in their work. It is possible that I should stop trying to aim so high, swallow my pride and get a more menial job - but I have done this before, and I am not at all convinced that it would be any better. I am very ambitious and prideful though, and full of vision, which maybe doesn't match up to my actual capacity to perform. But my portfolio looks good - I don't know, it is very confusing.

 I've certainly never felt that I have a 'disability' before - I have wanted to, but have felt like such a fraud. However, these problems have been around forever, and will probably always be around. I've managed to produce some very good work despite them, but there are a lot of things I find very difficult which make working very hard. It would be nice to be able to be upfront about my difficulties and needs. I have no problem with being open, but first I need help working out exactly what my difficulties and needs are. I am getting there, but it's an uphill struggle, and I am wary and scared about being pushed into work without a means of defending myself, and being unable to perform.