Friday, December 23, 2016

Functional nouns

I’m 30 and I’ve had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’m never sure whether I like to refer to it in those terms - nouns, diseases, discrete afflictions that can be separated from the self. Illnesses that can be treated, put to one side and removed from the core personality. I am chronically unhappy, uneasy, uncomfortable in my skin, and why should I take up any space if I can’t feel at ease, pouring dissatisfaction into the world, itching and scratching at my existence and calling out to be soothed by people who can’t help me? I am exasperating. 


I’ve been asking for help since I was 14, because I felt like I wanted to die and got through emotional pain with self harm, alcohol and drugs, starving myself, binging and purging. I’ve been prescribed 7 antidepressants which seem to help at first before I crash and burn and destroy whatever I’ve been working for. Bouts of counselling where I seem to do well, I have so much insight, but insight doesn’t change things in the long run, not on its own. I feel the exasperation of professionals assigned to my care. I fall into a gutter where I function too well to be in crisis.

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