I wish you could take a pill for self esteem or a pill that gets rid of shame. I am so sick of feeling worthless, I have missed out on so much because I didn't think I was good enough, spending time with friends, doing exciting things. I've run away from so much. I want to do things but I'm scared that I'll decide I'm not good enough and run away, so then it becomes this fucking meta-fear of fear or lack of belief in believing in myself.
I had a shameful thought/memory come up on the way home from training and it felt so paralysing and awful and I didn't know how to get away from it or how to deal with it or how it would ever go away. And now a few minutes later I can't even remember what it was.
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