I do things like click on 'email your MP' about stuff and then am horribly triggered when I see they've responded. I don't read the responses. I know they're mass responses too. But just seeing them sets off my terror and internal agony and my inner bully starts saying shut the fuck up you stupid bitch. being addressed by authority and feeling that I have voiced an uninformed opinion in an arena I don't belong in = risk of unbearable psychological pain which sets my inner critic off and my SH urges to silence, soothe, punish, distract.
Did my volunteering interview, I don’t feel any more sure of whether I would be able to cope with the helpline or if I am in far too much emotional turmoil and anxiety still to commit to any such thing. It didn't fully trigger off the above reaction, I've tried to be there for myself and notice the pain and the reaction and the voice inside me swearing at me, trying to soothe instead of punish. How is my self esteem still so devastated, I've partitioned it off in a way, it's not so easy to tell how much self disgust I have but it's twisted up in there for sure. This pain has been under the surface waiting to pop up with incredible ferocity for months. I hope this means healing, so often in therapy I seem tot go through all the motions of progress and healing but in the end I'm not really getting anywhere. I have very sophisticated inner coping mechanisms which only paper over the fear and pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment