When I had my tattoo started maybe 18 months ago or longer it was to cover my SH scars, a symbolic restart because I hadn't done that in a long time, I felt okay, and I wasn't going to do it again. I finally had some shading work done on it today. I am not in that positive space, things have been really hard for some time, but it's a permanent reminder that I did feel that sense of optimism and gladness and working on it today reminded me that I can feel that way and I can again even if I don't right now. plus I felt much less dreadful than the last time I was there a few weeks ago. So I have moved forward. I may move back again but I have moved forward.
Also in the context of the book I'm reading (Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving) I realised maybe moving here into this more permanent domestic situation has been a trigger for depression and hopelessness because it reminds me of being a child, desperately trying to please, function and prop up an adult who wasn't coping in a chaotic environment, friendless, withdrawn, powerless and full of shame. It helps give some shape, some sense to my despair - even if it's just theoretical. calling it an emotional flashback feels more productive and hopeful than just a baffling and meaningless period of depression and anxiety.
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