For years, because of GAD, I was never free to feel, I never knew who I was. It was like having numb fingertips, I couldn't quite feel the things around me. Anxiety and depression ruled me, like stormclouds. Now they are clearing - perhaps temporarily, entropy always wins - it's as if I am feeling, sensing the world more precisely. Really seeing the people around me, because I am calm, and go more slowly. Living in my skin. It's always been as if I were a few millimetres skewed from myself, like a shade offset from the world, and I desperately tried to inhabit myself truly, but I was always one step away. Consumed with anxiety - adrenaline, self loathing, tears, pain, numbness, confusion - blinding me, showing me strange fragments of my life through the crashing waves and clouds, I almost drown.
I'm feeling sadness, but it's not consuming me entirely, it has a context. I still feel anxiety, but it has triggers, it stays in a box, even if the box is very big and fills most of my vision. My heart races and I shake, but it passes and the wave settles and does not cause a perpetual chain reaction. The sadness feels real, pure, ad I feel that I am more genuine in my real life interactions, speaking freely (if haltingly) and not feeling as though I am reciting, droning something that I wrote earlier in preparation.
I am sad about past relationships, I see myself in them casting about wildly, blinded and confused and sometimes hopeless and breaking things and ruining, completely engulfed by the waves. I wish i could go back, but this time fit perfectly into my silhouette instead of offset from the world and screaming, and really feel, and really touch, ripples on a calm sea.
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